just how it is

I keep feeling that there is a bigger truth out there..Do you ever feel that? I think people call it a crisis of faith, but as I am not christian, there is no crisis to speak of. It's mainly a feeling, a deep seated feeling that something is askew. Am I forcing people away? Am I seriously neglecting those I love? I have to wonder if continuing on my path is good for every one. When I do have time to be with those I love, they are occupied. With what you might ask...things. They have all seemingly managed to find an outlet that doesn't include me.

nuttin really

So.. I nagged that he had not posted in MONTHS, I have had some time today to think , well a little. I am away shopping, relaxing..not being anything to anyone but myself. I don't think many people really know what it means to be nothing but WHO they are until they are responsible for anyone other then themselves or children. I would not trade my life for anything ..there isn't anything I would change. I was cleaning and doing around the house the other night and had a moment...a moment of complete happiness. I can't remember having one those for years ..if ever...there was nothing about that moment that I would have changed. How many people get to have that moment...the moment they realize they are so truly happy? Looking back at it, the moment seems so very ordinary..I think perhaps I have them more than I have the time to realize. I need him to understand how profound that moment is for me...the life we have, the whole thing...the great times, the terrible moments..they are all GOOD. There isn't anything left to resolve. We aren't building resentment..well...I am not building resentment..I won't speak for him.

gonna get all sappy and mushy..I'll save it for later ;)

assumptions and speculations

Ya know, all my life people on the fringe have made assumptions about me, my family based on what they see. Yes, growing up we had a large farm, my parents always had a nice car and a couple farm rigs ..not NEW but decent vehicles suitable for buzzing to town or around the farm.We had a large, dencent home. I had nice clothes, NOT name brand or designer clothes but a few nice outfits. My parents were very active in the local fire department. My dad was the fire chief for 10 years and a Port commissioner, shortly after he resigned, my mom was elected a fire commisioner. What people didnt know or bother to ask is what it took to have those things. The farm, home and vehicles were all part of the FARM and mortaged accordingly. Farming is not a wonderful income MOST of the time. My parents and grandparents worked their asses off to keep all of that afloat. As for the clothes and lovely furnishings for the home...alot of my clothes my mother MADE for me and my brother to an extent. So there was money in the very limited income for mom to splurge once or twice a year on a more expensive outfit. Like I said, not designer names but things from The Bon ( Macys now). She also always had a craft project going that brought in extra cash for her to buy the nice furniture or things maybe other families thought of as fancy. She didnt run right out and buy it when she wanted it, she saved! My point in that little story is that MOST people assumed we had money and lots of it, and treated us as if we did. I was called spoiled by some and they assumed I was a stuck up person. In reality, I learned to only let in those people who took the time to find out who I was and not go by what they assumed. This fun little trend in peoples thinking has continued for most of my adult life as well. I am at the age that I really dont care what people think anymore. If they cared to get to know me, they would find out who I am and not go by appearances. In my current relationship, people seem to be doing just that same thing again. Not one person has bothered to ask either of us why or how we got involved. Not one single person that I know of. They are assuming because he is older, that I am out to get something from him. I am! But not what people assume. I want several things from him but none that can be bought. I want his love, his respect, his insights, his humor, his attention, and his body! Yes, his body!! I am quite certain that many people assume that we are not physical, HA!! This man plays my body like a violin! He knows just exactly where and how to touch me to bring wave after wave of pleasure. If people actually knew how hard we have to work to stay out of bed, they would be ever so jealous! I have never loved anyone the way I love this man. I want to be a better woman for him. I want him to be so very happy. I love to see his eyes smile even when they are closed. I want us to share our lives. All of it..the good the bad and the ugly. As for all of the people that dont bother to ask, and meerly go off of assumptions and speculations... perhaps before they speak, they should take a harder look.

hmmmm

Hmmm.. He sent me a text last night while I was at work that said, "Why am I thinking of you all the time" I replied but got only one answer this morning..and that was No communication. I am confused!! Am I suppose to ignore him? I will not do that. I am getting so many mixed messages I dont know what to think.

Marriage

Marriage.. Kahlil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

I have loved this poet for years...I go to him again and again for wisdom...

Love ... Kahlil Gibran

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips

Love and Anger

So very much on my mind...where to start? The man I love, seems like a great place to start since he is what is most on my mind. Right now, I worry I am not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, can I make him truly happy? I want him truly happy and fulfilled in every way. I have never in my life felt so insecure, vulnerable, raw, so exposed. I have never felt so happy, so fulfilled, so taken care of, I can feel what he feels for me when he kisses me. We have both been married before, both of us twice, but this feels so very different. I dont just want to take care of him or meet his needs, I want him HAPPY, fulfilled, glowing! I want him to know in his soul, every single moment, how much I love him. I want to fall asleep every night holding him, wake every morning to his voice, lay in his arms. Such warm sweet, warm kisses and carresses. When we make love, the world stands still and quakes all at once. I watch him in pain..I watch the anger. I hate it!! I know what its doing to him. I know it is eating at him. He has woken up in my bed, angry. That tears my heart out and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing but support him and love him. SHOW him every single day! Support him in whatever is happening for him. When I try to write about him, words dont seem adequate. Words seem so very mundane and far too simple for what I feel. For all of my education...words just dont seem to be enough. I want to reach in and take all the hurt and pain away, make him see that life can be beautiful again.

I hate, yes HATE what she is doing to him. It is wrong on so many levels. What gives anyone the right to be so selfish, hateful and immature? What makes her think it will be tolerated with everyone else in her life? Who made her think this was ok? Getting angry again just thinking about it. I understand why he gets so very angry about her. He spent his entire life working toward a goal. A great, secure retirement.. only to have it ripped away twice! I have never said, let it go. I dont think letting it go is the answer. Putting into its proper place I think is what is more appropriate. Get angry!! Be furious!! He has every right to be!! There is a point that it needs to have its proper place..when it is destroying your health. Anger will eventually erode your soul from the inside out.