hmmmm

Hmmm.. He sent me a text last night while I was at work that said, "Why am I thinking of you all the time" I replied but got only one answer this morning..and that was No communication. I am confused!! Am I suppose to ignore him? I will not do that. I am getting so many mixed messages I dont know what to think.

Marriage

Marriage.. Kahlil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

I have loved this poet for years...I go to him again and again for wisdom...

Love ... Kahlil Gibran

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips

Love and Anger

So very much on my mind...where to start? The man I love, seems like a great place to start since he is what is most on my mind. Right now, I worry I am not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, can I make him truly happy? I want him truly happy and fulfilled in every way. I have never in my life felt so insecure, vulnerable, raw, so exposed. I have never felt so happy, so fulfilled, so taken care of, I can feel what he feels for me when he kisses me. We have both been married before, both of us twice, but this feels so very different. I dont just want to take care of him or meet his needs, I want him HAPPY, fulfilled, glowing! I want him to know in his soul, every single moment, how much I love him. I want to fall asleep every night holding him, wake every morning to his voice, lay in his arms. Such warm sweet, warm kisses and carresses. When we make love, the world stands still and quakes all at once. I watch him in pain..I watch the anger. I hate it!! I know what its doing to him. I know it is eating at him. He has woken up in my bed, angry. That tears my heart out and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing but support him and love him. SHOW him every single day! Support him in whatever is happening for him. When I try to write about him, words dont seem adequate. Words seem so very mundane and far too simple for what I feel. For all of my education...words just dont seem to be enough. I want to reach in and take all the hurt and pain away, make him see that life can be beautiful again.

I hate, yes HATE what she is doing to him. It is wrong on so many levels. What gives anyone the right to be so selfish, hateful and immature? What makes her think it will be tolerated with everyone else in her life? Who made her think this was ok? Getting angry again just thinking about it. I understand why he gets so very angry about her. He spent his entire life working toward a goal. A great, secure retirement.. only to have it ripped away twice! I have never said, let it go. I dont think letting it go is the answer. Putting into its proper place I think is what is more appropriate. Get angry!! Be furious!! He has every right to be!! There is a point that it needs to have its proper place..when it is destroying your health. Anger will eventually erode your soul from the inside out.

A Place

I , it seems, am in a place. That really is the only way to describe it. I went to a funeral, memorial, tribute...whatever you want to call it for a dear friend today. There are very few memories of my childhood and teenage years that I have that didnt include him. Our parents were best friends, that is the only way to explain WHY we had so much time together when we were very young. We were also neighbors. Neighbors in a country way...lol Our farms butted up against each other. There were many years that there was only a canal that separated our properties. I digress.. What keeps playing through my mind... are the hours spend playing D&D, listening to Steve Miller and/or whatever John or Sam had to listen to. So many stories of rotten eggs and the mail cart...NO one else would understand. All of the weekends spend babysitting Mikey and LB. I dont think ANYONE besides he and I know what those weekends were. We played video games, or rather he tried to desapartely to try to teach me how to play...most often what would happen is he would play and I would watch him play, after a couple hours of frustration on his part. Yet, week after week he did persist on 'giving me a chance' to try to learn. LOL We would experiment with food..we made and ate some of the nastiest shit on the planet..once and a while we got a hit...:) We actually thought we invented Orange soda and ice cream :)

Saturday Night Live!!! We would do our damnest to stay awake for that show. I was adding music to an online play list the other night and added Stevie Ray Vaughn...loved him for years. I have several of his CDs...and at the moment I added it to my list I was flooded with memories of WHY! Matty and I would WAIT for SNL ..and at the time SRV was one of the most often players. I remember sitting in the ottoman with Matty .. I was transfixed..he shook me and said...Where are you?...I was lost in SRV's music. My point in all of that ...HE was there...HE was there for so many defining moments. I remember being on the back of his bike with him as we did chores. I was on that bike with him ..far too many times to count...He would love to catch air ..making me scream and hang on tighter. I dont think he did that for the effect... we were friends...nothing romantic. We tried that for a week(being teenagers, of course)..and no...we loved each other..but it was very clear..not in a romantic way. Many people , if any ,knew that when we were doing chores, we were talking, sharing what was going on in our lives. Giving and taking advise..I seems so private now.

It feels today as the only people that know are a very select few. A very intimate group. You had to be there, you had to live it. For so many years, I lemented my being reared in such a closed society. We were so very tight. Our exposure so very limited. I hated it. He loved it! I didnt realize until today how very profound that world was. Today, at the familys request...we, my family and another, were sectioned off. I felt honored and strangely out of place, we had lost each other. Somewhere in the act of life...we lost each other. Ironic that in his death...I found him again. I found them again, my other family. Not other,..not really..just now separate...this must be how a child of divorce feels.... You have a family but now separate..hmmmm I will have to think about this more.

What it comes down to for me...make sure every significant person in your life....past or present..knows exactly how you feel about them...EVERYTIME you speak..dont assume they know you love them...tell them! Tell them who they are to you ...seems so very simple

Suck it up..buttercup!!

I have a new motto...Suck it up ..buttercup! This falls under the rant section. I am absolutely sick and tired of people that have life handed to them on a silver platter bitching and moaning! I have had to work for some things, I have had things given to me. I am lucky!! I appreciate that my life has not been nearly as hard as others. What is really bothering me are the few people that are in my life, through relation, that have no idea how lucky they really are. They are so stuck in their little world of self pity, that they really do not see anything or anyone else. In what reality is the inability to get your own shit together anyone elses problem but yours? I think perhaps it is time to have a very in depth conversation. They may hate me now, but perhaps in the long run, they will understand why I have to voice my opinion. Because, No..I am so very sorry little buttercup but the world does not in fact revolve around YOU!